Every few months in my life things seem to be starting to look up for me, then as usual I destroy my chances of finally getting the bitter taste off of my tongue.
So… Things were going great, I was seeing a counselor twice a week, got a new job and there was even talk of a manager position being opened up for me. My fiancée and I were getting along fine, but I was lonely.
Night after night I came home to my empty apartment, watched tv with the cat and went to bed alone. Brian works nights so I was becoming accustomed to much time with myself. Too much… Never before in my life have I ever had a problem with being alone, but for some reason, this was really hitting me hard.
Every night hearing all the college kids outside having fun with their friends and I was alone. I didn’t really envy them, because drinking is just not fun to me, but I felt outcasted. Like a freak of nature being addicted to alcohol so early in life that I can’t even enjoy going out and misbehaving with the friends that I didn’t even have.
Yes I know this story is choppy but my mind is everywhere, please forgive me.
So, when I heard my best friend announced that she was moving back I found it the perfect opportunity to get a little social interaction and vent on her rather than someone I was paying to hear me, my counselor. (did I mention I stopped seeing her.. this week). So I had no desire to, but I had a beer, pretty soon I could have two and be okay right… then a shot of Jameson and after that I knew I was all wrong about thinking I could go out and drink. Something came over me, I was alive again, and I wanted to express it. I could talk to people, and be this suave little pistol that once was long ago. So another beer, another shot and I was just not proud of myself, I knew that I was in the company of people I would never dream of accompanying sober. Saying things I would have never said sober. I found that I still don’t like drunk Lauren, not one bit!
Today I played the activities of the previous night over and over in my head. The shame eats at me and the fact that I did nothing wrong, or that would be considered shameful to others I am still ashamed of myself because I know better. I am better than this and I thought I could rise above this thing. I’m terrified that tomorrow, or next week, or next month I will forget this shame and do it over again, then it has the potential to get out of control again, which it will.
-Wishing the universe would send me a sign-
Really need some help :/
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