So Lost

Well.. This title explains it all.  I'm feeling so lost in a world where there are so many lost souls wondering around aimlessly.  I wish I knew what I wanted, i want to be sober, I don't want to drink but I also want the social interaction that most people my age enjoy.  But I can't enjoy it, there is too much guilt behind it.  Even going to the bar bring this shame that I have always known.  I am just so lonely, if Brian were here I wouldn't want to go out to bars... Do I even really want to?

I went to Howards to meet a few people I have seen in the bars lately, and played some pool.  My mood the whole time was depressing and I ended up leaving.  I also said to myself "I'm not going to drink"  but of course I did get a beer because I didn't know what else to do.  I sipped it a little because I wanted something to hold in my hand, I guess it makes me less anxious or just feels natural and I'm way beyond thinking its cool because inside I know it is so not cool!  

The average person would just say, duh there's your problem just stop going to bars, stop drinking, but something within me likes the thought of it, but not the actual action.  I wish there was something in this dull world that would make me whole.  I feel so empty and I'm so scared that I am once again heading down a dangerous, decadent path.  There is nothing anybody can say or do to help me with this, it has to be me. Something has got to give sooner or later... Right?