Christmas 2010

 Christmas 2010

Zeta Christmas 2010 --------------------->

Bleed the Day and Break the Rule

Live to win, dare to fail.

Eat the dirt and bite the nail

I must say, that since my last post my suffering has been immense.  Psychologically I have endured and suffered knowing that there is something direly wrong but I just don't know what to do about it.

I know what the illness is that I am suffering from but I find myself terrified to see a physician about it, mostly because when I'm told by that doctor, it is then undeniably real.  I will no longer able to make myself feel better by saying I'm paranoid about it.  

Worst of all, there is no pill to cure this illness.  This particular illness takes years and years and lifetimes of treatment to keep at bay and to learn to deal with.  All of the medications I have been seeking for myself in have been a huge waste of time.

I'm a Wolf

All the propaganda for Senate Bill five in Ohio is making me not want to be such a sheep so bad that I think I'm rebelling.  I seriously want to vote for it just because I feel like these people who are so against it are just brainwashed by unions.  I have seen firsthand the power unions have against the workers and the smut they feed them.

Extraterrestrial

Surely this is the coolest video I have seen in a long time, in fact I can't even think of a better one at the moment.  

A New Leaf

I have to say, I feel utterly spectacular about my future today.  Last night, October 30 I had my very last drink and I'm fully prepared to be committed to getting myself back on track.

Last night could not have gone better, we shot some pool, laughed, joked and had a great run of it, but like I said before, the bitter taste is just getting too strong.  I'm ready to be done drinking for good :)  And I'm happy.  

I have been pulling it together lately and even losing some weight, I think going for walks during the day is really helping me with the anxiety and depression.  

Today is my little brothers birthday so I'm going to take him a cake or something, and maybe take him out for coffee, he is 16!  We had a party for him already that went well, he seems to be happy with his new girlfriend and I'm very happy for him.  

Point being, that I'm ready and I know its going to be hard and in a respect I did hit another bottom with loss of self respect and shame and guilt.  

"Its hard to fail, but it is worse to have never tried to succeed"

       -Theo Roosavelt

I chose that quote because I feel that I have failed myself and my family in some respects and I have jumped on and off too many times, but now I'm attempting to put this all behind me and try again to succeed.  Please wish me luck :)

So Lost

Well.. This title explains it all.  I'm feeling so lost in a world where there are so many lost souls wondering around aimlessly.  I wish I knew what I wanted, i want to be sober, I don't want to drink but I also want the social interaction that most people my age enjoy.  But I can't enjoy it, there is too much guilt behind it.  Even going to the bar bring this shame that I have always known.  I am just so lonely, if Brian were here I wouldn't want to go out to bars... Do I even really want to?

I went to Howards to meet a few people I have seen in the bars lately, and played some pool.  My mood the whole time was depressing and I ended up leaving.  I also said to myself "I'm not going to drink"  but of course I did get a beer because I didn't know what else to do.  I sipped it a little because I wanted something to hold in my hand, I guess it makes me less anxious or just feels natural and I'm way beyond thinking its cool because inside I know it is so not cool!  

The average person would just say, duh there's your problem just stop going to bars, stop drinking, but something within me likes the thought of it, but not the actual action.  I wish there was something in this dull world that would make me whole.  I feel so empty and I'm so scared that I am once again heading down a dangerous, decadent path.  There is nothing anybody can say or do to help me with this, it has to be me. Something has got to give sooner or later... Right?

All Hallows Even Pumpkins

Tonight was the best night I have had in a while.  I went grocery shopping today and bought a panini grill, which is the best invention ever (sort of).  Had tomato basil motzerella paninis and Turkey cheddar bbq paninis.  They were amazing!  Then we took a walk and the weather was perfect and came home and carved pumpkins on the porch with the tiki torch lit.   Now baking the seeds YUMM.